sat 040409

on preparing for my journey to the temple

rose early; sat with a light heart, tho' many many thoughts and emotions running through my head.  my family away in Kenya - silent, empty house; room: space to let the usual crowdedness of my daily life evaporate and feel the emptiness as tangible evidence of grounded ness (or vice versa).

8pm

after a busy, noisy traffic-fuelled journey up from london, finally arrived at the temple around 8.  majestic, cold, windswept, peaceful, perfumed, glorious scenery!

sadly, have caught a throat infection and what feels like the ‘flu, so unable to reap immediate benefits of this retreat; v difficult sitting today as unable to breath comfortably - spent most of the time trying to suppress a cough and avoiding clearing my throat, which greatly interferes with one's ability to flow into meditation.

today is the festival of samantabhadra - bodhisattva of ‘love', one of a unique triad of bodhisattvas, the other two being: manjusri - bodhisattva of ‘wisdom', avalokiteshvara - bodhisattva of ‘compassion' - a very moving, beautifully choreographed ceremony of devotion, with music and scattering of rose petals.

rev aiden gave a profoundly heart felt dharma talk on the merits of following the Buddhist path.  v. straightforward, plain speaking but inspirational.  I enjoy listening to these guys talk, from a real devotional perspective - there is no ‘flannel' - these are lives lived in the true spirit of love, compassion and wisdom, which shines through their every action - what blessings! 

one jewelled moment: the important point I gathered is: stillness and action are entwined and the one exists within the other.  in other words, one needs to act in the world from a heart of love, wisdom and compassion, but always aware that action is beheld in the stillness of awareness, mindfulness - how amazing to be able to live from such an informed perspective!

(just wish I did not feel so run down and ill..)

once it became public knowledge that I was ‘ill', I became something of a ‘pariah' - was instantly isolated (one way to get a private room, but not the way I would have wanted!) - handed a list of instructions and a bottle of cuticura to carry about, wished well and...that's' it!  now sitting here, listening to the chirrup of pennine bird life, softening hazy sunset, but kind of down, that I cannot sit in the zendo and share temple activities.  that is where I am at the moment, I must live with it.

a slightly restless, fevered night passes - funny how ‘illness' reduces one to a uniform state.  somehow, it matters not where you are, home, hospital, temple - all environments become similar; illness seems to turn you in on yourself and the ‘mystique' of being at the temple has considerably diminished.  just a quiet room in a house in the countryside.  nothing special.  aha!  therein lies the paradox and the beauty.

this is indeed the very heart of the zen message: ordinary life, one foot in front of the other - daily life...

I have not seen a soul for over twelve hours now...

just made a foray down into the temple, to check if it is a ‘renewal day', in which case breakfast will be much later than usual.  basically, was asked to make myself scarce by the first monk I saw - not in a hostile way, I hasten to add!

6:30pm

the gentle rhythm of the day unfolds - particularly unspectacular but peaceful and restorative.  I still feel a bit ‘flu-ey' but also feel I am coming out of it, thankfully.  another day of quietude and rest should do the trick.

tues 070409

another night slides soundlessly by.  I awaken early, pre-dawn.  the softness in the atmosphere penetrates deeply.  I feel immeasurably better.

as the dawn appears, I notice, outside the bedroom window, several plump, furry rabbits with grey coats and shaggy white tails scampering amongst the heather and mottled grey rocks of the bank opposite..  a clump of daffodils shines out, the rich yellow of their petals emitting a promise of spring.  the cushioned moss emits a fragrance, whose colours range from yellow, through green, brown, grey and purple.

all is well, all is well...

ahh!  back from a briskish walk along the alston road - this stretch of tarmac means so much to me - it is my ‘watershed' walk.  every time over the last three decades that I have ventured along it, I have been awestruck and rejuvenated.  it just holds such a perfect position - halfway up from a meandering river allen in the deep valley, it affords a panoramic view across these north pennine hills.

one cannot but feel a glimpse of timelessness - the brisk, scented breeze, the swaying pine topped trees, the liberated and liberating birds swooping gracefully, joyously amongst the air currents high up in the deep azure, the placid clouds, the bright, ephemeral glimpses of sunshine that illuminate tracks of land as the deep shadows skid daintily along the waterlogged, spongy heather.  the space, the quiet, the tranquillity of this countryside which changes little over the years...

I die each time I arrive here and meet myself at the beginning of time to its end...

a lovely dharma talk with rev leona, who had grown considerably since I last was here.   

weds 080409

awoke v early - huge wind outside, dark and dangerous; propelled out of a very strange dream in which I had lost everything, woman, family, home, money, everything; was wandering around some city on the other side of the world, desolate, desperate.

am I still so wedded to material things?  it seems so.

my ‘non-material' journey at present feels rather barren, lacking vitality and spark - but I will continue; my spiritual journey is no fair-weather friend - I will work through this arid landscape and continue to commit time and energy to my daily meditation and offering of love and devotion to the eternal nature of things.  just the next step.

7am

rising bell - have now been awake for several hours - a steady storm is raging outside.  peace in my heart as I go off to the ceremony hall for meditation and morning service.

afternoon

midweek: a grey, chilly, blustery day out there; am still kind of ensconced in the aftermath of my flu virus and feel quite muggy, woozy and blocked up.

however, am most appreciative of these blessed few days of ‘time out' from my normal crazily busy work schedule.

when it comes down to it, I think we are all secretly afraid of ‘the void'...of taking that time out: what is left, when everything of our normal routine stops?  what is there to distract us from the eternal moment?  what do we find?

however, a regular meditation practice can forearm us against these intellectual impasses.

the key to understanding, I feel, is in developing the ability to ‘let go'.

simply said, simply described, not in practice, believe me, not so easy!  precisely ‘what' is there to let go of?  well, where to start: concepts of self: identity, history, relationships, emotions, physical attributes, stance, perspective on the world, etc etc...

so much we take for granted; our social constructs seemingly deliver us from so much enquiry - our normality acts as a shield to deeper truths.

just for once, relinquish those thoughts: allow yourself the reality of ‘not knowing', plunge with courage into the unknown moment, have some faith in circumstance illuminating existential reality - what have you got to lose?

• time to sit

thurs 090409

yesterday one of the ‘lay-trainees' became a postulant here.  it was an interesting transformation to behold.  huge emotion on her part at having to relinquish her ‘worldly' persona and adopt that of a monk.

remarkable to bear witness to her unfolding emotions over the course of the day.  at first there seemed to be unbearable sadness and loss, which gradually transformed into bewilderment and a gradual regaining of a sense of balance and finding her way in a strange land... a very interesting epilogue; it must be a huge step to take.

personally, I had a lousy but interesting day!  this goddam cold is still lingering and causing me anguish and discomfort; it is interesting how illness and the choice of either accepting it or not becomes paramount.  and, digging deeper, how one's attitude to circumstance colours and shapes experience.  even so, sitting still in the midst of internal ‘clog-up' is no fun, yet I just do it anyway.

at last, this morning's first sitting - I felt somewhat grounded and spacious, and at rest, for once...

preparing ‘brunch' in the kitchen - such a great activity; nothing better than preparing food for the community - attention to small details focuses the mind and allows skills to manifest.

divine smell of ‘tofu' lightly fried in soy sauce - can't wait to get my chops around some of that!!

1pm

ahh!  just back from a bracing amble with some colleagues around the local countryside - we walked up to the top of the temple grounds - a sharp climb up to the ridge and then down the hill towards carrshield.

how delightful to stroll in unspoilt nature; something always strengthens the spirit and reminds me of my connection with mother earth.

an early spring day, a blustery sort of warm wind and signs of new buds and spring flowers dotted around.  myriad rural animals: geese, cockerels, white and brown sheep, legions of rabbits, birds, etc.

evening

went for last evening walk along alston road - learning to give up my ‘story' and stop re-inventing my life, simply to be present with what is, no ties, no frills, no extras.

later, lying on my bed, drifting off to a recording of the dulcet tones of rev master jiyu, blessed founder of this order, whose combination of mid-twentieth century English pronunciation and halting translation of dogen from original Japanese never fails to enthral, seduce, delight and pacify me...

leaving day                                                                                 fri 100409

awoke pre-dawn as usual.  cacophony of bird song particularly strong this morning.  one delightfully feathered vocalist directly outside my bedroom window in especially fine voice!  sounding like a sozzled sailor on a friday night, just back on shore leave, trying to impress the local ladies!

there is this deep blue ambience to the light which presages a fine morning - gentle breeze, nothing so strong as earlier in the week.

I simply adore this early morning experience at Throssel - it is without a doubt my favoured and most energized time of day.

I always feel such promise and positivity at these moments; at peace and happily merged into the rhythm and embrace of these ancient and gentle hills.

thank you lord for granting me another golden episode of illumination, grace and joy.

with bows...

@l/100409

as a hazy, empty yellow sun

marks an appearance in a

blankly white morning sky,

do I take stock

within the confines of my

perceptions..

trapped, as we invariably are

within the constructs of

our personal karma,

must we be wary of taking flight into

realms of fantasy and imagination..

and yet there are ways forward

there are ways through;

never easy - attending to the rank

tomfoolery of our individual yearnings,

this way and that way doth the cloak of our

dreams attend to its firm grip on our

supposed destiny and fortune..

always it comes back to a surrendering,

letting go of all cherished ideals.

there is then, in truth

only this, which we can open to

with cleared preconceptions..

the only way forward is to see 

the three wise monkeys:

past, present and future,

for what they are:-

mere chicanery and distraction..

and return again and again

to the emptiness that is our

birthright and destiny..

lord grant me

the strength and wisdom

to continuously let go of

pride and erudition and

remain calmly ignorant

within the grace of

this unadorned moment.

with bows,

as I sat

this morning,

opening, letting go,

dissolving experience -

sitting still within the chaos,

inconsistencies and unknowns,

confusion of understanding...

all at once,

the storm abated..

letting go of fear,

the need to ‘know',

the need to control

the need to be in control..

trusting in the simplest of processes:

of breathing and being..

Truth dawned upon me

in all its majesty.

the joy of Being arose

as a well spring,

a dance of luminescence..

the blossoming of peaceful

contentment and gratitude

for this, just as it is,

bright unadorned

consciousness.

with bows