I live as close to my breath as possible.

I have learned not to stray too far off

the moment, such as it is...

bitter experience has taught me the folly

of living off dreams, suppositions

and ill-conceived conviction..

the nearness of things as they appear

allows ongoing truth to emerge,

not always in one's favour -

not always to one's liking.

ne'er the less, holding close to

all manner of occurrence allows for

natural growth in wisdom,

compassion and insight..

I daily give thanks for the benefit

of dharma teachings that enable

me to receive pain, fear and doubt

and hold them close, to cherish,

astride the gentleness and magnificence

that is their corollary and pacifier..

I cannot change anything,

I would not change anything

save the ability to

accept all just as it is,

and continue to hold life close

as close can be..

noticing shades of light that

vacillate unendingly

with silent movement

in glorious innocence and utter

lack of self awareness,

I smile an inward smile..

I surrender, happily, to

each unfolding nuance..

I allow my thoughts to parade

themselves, like prodigal children

‘pon my brow..

and, like vacant heroes,

to evaporate -  stage left..

I dive unerringly,

with increasing confidence,

into the here and now..

safe in the conviction that

the gentle alms of Existence

held, hold and will always hold

me in tender embrace.

with bows,

the bell strikes,

consciousness returns,

senses awaken, flooding through,

revitalizing body and mind..

many conflicting thoughts vie for attention -

pleasant, fearful and neutral;

repetitive images capture the focus..

the experienced practitioner

knows these things,

and notices all..

the wise practitioner

notices these things for what they are,

and lets them be..

the compassionate practitioner

pays attention to the heart,

and acts with freedom..

growing older is opening wider,

allowing life's happenstance

to unfold with grace and joy,

alert and accepting to all

appearance, judging not,

fearing not..

gentle to the little self

that inevitably merges

with the greater reality

and emptiness that

awaits all without

discrimination..

this rolling earth

warm umbilica

drawing breath

encrusted, pasted ‘pon my heart

desires, running deep

fiery subterranean furnace

kindling, fuelling rawness in my soul

drawn unerringly, irresistibly

closer closer to extinction

I want to lose myself in this

I want to lose myself..

oh the taste the texture

manna to my tortured senses

heavenly mirage forever beyond grasp..

the paradox of it is in the absurdity

of consummation

the truth is shallow, ephemeral

the greater the urgency

the more desperate the plight

the sheer folly - the sheer delight..

banished by reason

slighted by sanity

ignored by knowing..

this fateful embrace

this massive disgrace,

my shadow atremble

‘pon fear of discovery..

this yearning

this turning

this pitching

this burning

alight alight from my

fractured vessel

and give me peace - give me space

to dissolve your embrace -  your power

and omnipotence

farewell mama  farewell..

lurking sprite

nestled, dormant

within deeply buried memories..

I thought I had you beat;

how naïve, how simplistic!

for, given reign and way, way

beneath conscious endeavour

there you lie, there you lie..

no forgiveness within your bitter realm,

etched sharply and eternally cast,

those past tragedies feed your very

reason for being..

no amount of reparation,

no amount of devotion and dedication

can satisfy your abhorrent bent for retribution..

like a patient crocodile you lie waiting,

as still as death -

nigh invisible to the untrained eye,

merging, melting into

the very fabric of life..

until some wretched wayfarer,

unsuspecting and far beyond

conscious volition, lies still -

happily engaged in beneficent trade;

opens their heart

in the dead of night

and lo! - you pounce

and unravelling your

long, slimy, putrid tongue,

whip up all manner of fear and hatred,

misplaced loyalties to long completed circumstance..

I bow to you, evil presence

respecting your powers,

but, in the calm light of dawn

I turn to brighter, better things,

and resolve to continue upon

a life lived in tuneful respect of goodness,

a life lived with heart and compassion..

I know that, one blessed day

you will dry up and atrophy,

starved of attention,

may you wither and die!

eternally banished from

my implacable trek

towards the realm

of clarity and truth..

with bows,

marking today - a special day

in celebration of a remarkable event..

t'was on this turning point

many years ago that I chanced to visit

the very spot in lumbini grove,

whence queen maya gave birth

to that north indian prince whose

insights changed many lives..

sitting beneath the very tree

of his ultimate last visit to

these parts, I grew into my life

and never since looked back..

the pain and the fear simply

coalesced into faith and a

determination to root out the

insecurities, favour the

ephemeral and rejoice in the

transient nature of my existence..

I bow with gratitude to

the good fortune of my

late awakening..

‘pon the withered tree

a bud blooms..

from way back when,

lost in the haze of time,

but firmly etched in the bosom

of my fondest memories:

there you stand,

tall and strong, my role model;

my early hero, master of such triumphs

as chess, mastering ancient Hebrew and - later on,

super-cool teenager with

trendy clothes and stylish sideburns..

many adventures did we share

hitching ‘cross sunburst France

in the mid sixties, endless supply of amazing

anecdotes, funny, scary and joyous..

perhaps a seminal moment: sleeping

under the luminescent sky and shooting stars

in the corn-fields of Cambrai,

the youthful passion of freedom, wonder

and excitement eternally burned into the most

treasured archive of my personal history..

sharing an impossibly tiny Fiat

with an enormously smelly Italian,

sharing a smooth, iconic American automobile

with a pretentious Swiss pop star

a coffee machine by his gear stick and

a personal frennd of ze rolling stones..

sharing the autobahn with a paranoid German

who ditched us in the mittel of no-vair as "ve ver going to kill him!"

and of course being kidnapped in Schweitzer by a coupla gay Italian Mafioso

and taken not to our chosen destination, France, but the

highways and byways of north Italia..

[hugging floor in Nice airport in sleeping bags..]

they go on and on, these wonderful carefree times,

sauntering merrily along with love and affection for

one another, which none could break apart..

later we lose touch, but not mutual warmth and affection..

and now, God knows in the twilight years

scarce possible to imagine WE would GROW OLD!

dearest cuz, I love you dearly and you

will always be in the front row of my life-dreams..

enjoy your day -

celebrate with pride sixty hard won years

and raise a glass to

our loving well-spent youth together..