*

~*~

early morning...

bodily frozen, landlocked;

aches and pains

galore.

*

yet mind,

free as spirit,

flies

gaily free

up and about -  oblivious

to the

sticky marshiness

of

murky, corpuscular

marathon running through

veins..

*

how simply glorious

a construction,

the mind,

eternally

unshackled

from

the visible vicissitudes

of corpulent misfortune!

*

vive la difference

says I!

long live

the difference..

~*~
*

*

~*~

a mess..

when push

comes to shove,

a bloody mess..

*

that is the truth

about (my)

life..

*

two and two make five..

wrong..

right.

and yet here am I

scribing this without despair..

*

more in truth..

aye..in truth;

*

nothing adds up..

*

it makes

no sense

*

yet so much beauty

and perfect

no sense

for all of that..

*

it is futile to try and change

the way things are..

*

the way things are

is the

way they are

after all..

*

fortuitously

grasping nothing,

expecting less,

we grow

into the absurdity

that is

our compass

our moral choice is

groundless,

baseless,

in plain flight..

*

for all of that;

and yet we do try,

we do try..

*

for all of that

we do try..

*

it is better that way,

why I know not..

but there is no other way -

believe -  

there is no

other way

than

THIS.

*

*

*~*

oh

little self

may

rant and rail

may

scream..

"oh why me

why

me?"

*

meanwhile,

the greater

Self -

piercing,

gentle rolling

softened

clouds

of humility,

gaze lowered

in supplication and

wonderment..

*

a

labyrinthine

unravelling

of twin Selves

scarce

achieving equilibrium..

*

forestalling the moment,

denying

completion..

*

seen from afar,

sought from afar..

deliberation in abeyance;

the battle rages,

little always

so remaining just that..

*

little.

*

proclaiming

no release,

signifying nothing grand;

in vain

holding back

the raging torrent of

Life that cannot

Bear

Dam-nation..

*

so,

learning

about all of this,

let us only surrender

to the greater vision -

dust off the pathos,

ignore the call

of

absurdity, ignorance and meaninglessness

and bravely

address

the folly and grandeur..

*

 henceforth

pick up the banners of

Truth and serenity,

pitch forth into battle with arrows

of love

understanding

and compassion,

ignore the call ignore the call.

*

oh

little self

may

rant and rail

may

scream:

"oh why me

why

me?"

~*~

*

*

~*~

slipping into

 corridors

of silence..

*

confines melt

*

barriers dissolve..

*

an

 immense coalescence

manifests..

*

peace

*

quiet

life times

*

no

 hiding place

 opens as this..

*

 place is breadth

*

 tears

beget

oceans

*

universal

clusters

swirl and shimmer..

*

a

dance of consciousness

delights,

chastens..

*

once more

letting go

of all

such abstraction,

returning

to the truth of the

moment

~*~
*

Throssel Hole Buddhist Abbey

1978 - 2008

*

30^th Anniversary Diary - April 7^th to 13^th 2008

~*~

*

Monday 7^th April 2008

arrive at temple: 7pm

             ~*~

greeted by old ‘friends'

offer my home-baked bread -

gratefully received..

            ~*~

how lovely to be back -

home from home -

settled in - room 11 in the attic of hall of pure offerings,

cosy and quiet.

             *

ironically, got a bit lost travelling here - thought I knew the route ‘blindfold', it appears not!  I ended up coming in via Hexham, the northern route, reminding me of my first visit in '76 to Richard and Margaret's wedding - my first taste of Throssel.

usual mix of old and new - young and old visitors.

mmm - peace and quiet..

family of monks feel as tightly knitted as ever..

            ~*~

day one                                                                                          Tuesday 8^th April 2008

the profound silence of the deep countryside is at times deafening!

              *

I feel just so so tired today

• - can barely keep awake;
• - nodded off several times in morning sitting.

  *

before breakfast, Rev. L______    came skipping up and, with that wonderful      twinkle in her eye made me feel so welcome and warm!

                          *

            have been excused working meditation (upon request to the guest department);

            I do so need to gather strength..

                          *

            the meditation hall (zendo) has a new carpet..wow!  how to describe the colour?

somewhere in the region of orange, brown, pink, it is certainly softer in texture and more seductive than its predecessor..

already those mandalas appear as rice drawings in my wake -

as ever, as ever..

I have as yet to arrive; by this I mean, to awaken to being here, now.

I know better than to force the issue.  whatever arises, arises - so be it;

that much have I learned from previous experience.

last night, on the cusp of sleep, had this illumination that my mind was full and ‘jangly'; made me realise how much we carry around inadvertently in our thoughts day-to-day, moment-to-moment.  it is only when we have an opportunity to step outside of our usual lifestyle that the crowdedness really appears.

             *

a beautiful, bright, crisp and sunny morning here in the midst of these glorious Pennine hills, deep into Northumberland..

I am so happy to feel it, so lucky to see it..

 *

goodness!  yawn, yawn, yawn..

it is all I can do to breathe!

completely suffused with tiredness today - okay, let it be -

just rest and allow natural energies to recover.  I should not feel guilty at allowing this period of inactivity to play itself out.

           ~*~

day two                                                                                    Wednesday 9th April 2008

after a fairly restful night I awoke feeling somewhat distracted and slightly out- of- sorts.

I have yet to feel that I have ‘arrived' and settled into temple life..

  ~*~

however, at first sitting this morning, I began to settle, to clear.  hard to put into words on a page the unfathomable peace that sitting still engenders, if you allow it ascendancy.

           ~*~

a timeless moment of clarity and open-ended restfulness and equanimity prevails.

           ~*~

I can now remember why I came, continue to come and will so continue to do so long as there is breath in my body..

                       ~*~

this morning, I took a walk down the road, at the bottom of the temple grounds.  this is one of my favourite walks - there is a road that leads straight along, midway up the valley.

at the base of the valley, the river Allen snakes its way across the valley floor, having made its inexorable, tuneful and merry way down from snow-capped hills..

above, the side of the valley runs steeply to the top, where bouffant, scudding clouds race joyously along, interspersed with dark grey angry clouds, which spit out an intermittent mix of icy rain and leaden hail stones.

this delightful amble continues straight forward for about a half mile, after which it gently winds its way downward.

a rush of joy and gratitude catches me; a feeling constricts my throat, I catch my breath, raise my hands in gassho (palms together, fingers facing upward) and thank god for allowing me this moment of perpetual bliss..

deep in the countryside, living nature holds sway.  the wind is sharp and sweet, perfumed, on its erratic and chaotic journey across countless valleys and dales.

rams, ewes and lambs sit motionless, contentedly, upon springy, spongy damp heather.  a variety of small birds, ravens and crows fly about catching currents of air that carry them aloft, this way and that - the occasional screech echoing across the valley..

a remarkable homogeneity suffuses this wild yet intimate landscape.  colours: greys, greens, blues, sharpened by intermittent shafts of sunlight escaping through the clouds.  views, sights and sounds, smells and thoughts all coalesce beautifully, lightly and with the greatest of ease.

eventually, I turn around and make my way back to the temple.

this glorious amble has been a part of my annual repertoire for three decades - I never have and never will tire of its magnificence and the fresh delights that endlessly surprise one in these ancient hills.

                       ~*~

day three                                                                  Thursday 10th April 2008

‘such bitter-sweet aspirations are our lives built upon..'

the conundrum - to live an open life: to live with an open heart; to achieve true connection with That Which Is, no easy task; so hard to be truly open, honest and un-self-conscious..

to truly sit Still, engenders two types of activity.  firstly a conscious, moment by moment effort to:

• - be aware of thoughts
• - let them be
• - let them go
• - let them go of their own accord

secondly, to develop an attitude of WHOLEHEARTED ACCEPTANCE of ‘IT ALL..'

• - moment by moment, extreme care, extreme caution is demanded
• - opening up to the Truth of THIS moment requires Faith, Courage,
• - Dedication and Fearlessness

           ~*~

mid-sesshin looms gaily on my immediate horizon; the gentle chatter of pre-dawn rain eventually gives way to the sparkling effervescence of daybreak on a balmy spring morning.  the innocent sweet conversation of bird life infuses the pre-prandial mix of expectation and hope for a day of joy and peace:

• - to hope without expectation
• - to breath as if your final breath
• - to live as it is, moment to moment, is the path we are learning to tread

                      ~*~

how I relish these golden moments of rest and reflection - so rare, so unassuming.  all the more precious and fulfilling as a contrast to normal daily life of work and struggle..

         ~*~

thank you, Lord of creation for these brief glimpses of ‘Just-so-ness...'

           ~*~

may all Beings have endless opportunities for times of peace and gentle reflection...

           ~*~

how I enjoy seeing this small monastic community laying forth its daily agenda.

so many instances of quiet care and myriad acts of devotion, self-less ness and commitment.

an unruffled harmony bestrides each waking moment.

[only in the grip of sleep does Mara mesmerise and fuel these devilish dreams of grasping and wanton greed and ambition..}

           ~*~

I feel the beauty lies in a developing understanding that harmony and balance need to nurtured and worked upon.  there is always opportunity for choice in each moment, each action - this is a freedom we have to understand and respect..  the added bonus of a hard-won Faith is in the realisation that Life itself affords the right way of movement and choice, are we but able to allow Its wholehearted unfolding without judgement and meddling.

           ~*~

no easy task and frightening at times; experience enables development of positivity and determination..

          ~*~

3pm

just back from a long 2½-hour walk along the top of the moor, here in Northumberland.. aching feet, frosty limbs and wind-chastened countenance..

I adore the open country, the physical space and vastness allows the little mind to expand and breath in deeply of a wider vision.  space is synonymous with freedom and natural elements bring energy that nourish the spirit..

           ~*~

tomorrow will alter the dynamic - an introductory retreat offered by the order will mean an influx of about 30 people; not sure I'm looking forward to it!

           ~*~

day four                                                                        Friday 11th April 2008

the day arrives: serene countryside quiet - but intense, busy, sleep-laden thoughts initially crowd my mind..

           ~*~

I sit still, to behold and absorb the early morning tranquillity.. I steal out into the early morning brightness - scamper up hill and dale and absorb the bright spaciousness of the arising sun opening up to the glory of a new day.  disrobing the envelope of darkness and unfolding the magnificence and depths of the shimmering hills and open valleys that etch out their contours in this desolate, windswept and peaceable county of Northumberland.

           ~*~

first sitting and morning service - precision, concentration, a familiar slow dance of unswerving ritual, devotion and attention.  beautiful cadences, chanting of the ancestral lineage, eighty generations of honourable souls who dedicated their lives to living as faithfully as possible to the middle way of the Buddha, Shakyamuni Daiosho..

           ~*~

how gratifying and affirming to belong to such an elegant and noble clan; human endeavour of the highest order, following natural law.

           ~*~

herein there is little affectation, much simplicity and a direct connection to the essence of this very moment of existence..

           ~*~

always returning to the silence, with faith, patience, a gentle knowing and quiet joy..

coming home

*

~*~

returning endlessly

to

the silence

is our refuge,

our true home;

our resting place..

*

wherever

a

breath takes place,

therein

the

silence..

*

therein

the

joy of Being,

here,

now,

eternally

~*~

*

a slight air of gloom and despondency hit the resident lay people this afternoon, as we prepared to receive a huge influx of new trainees - I hasten to add I was not amongst them!

the weather today reflects the atmosphere - driving sleet and rain prevails; rest assured the sun shines, as ever, beneath this grim grey blanket..

           ~*~

           day five                                                                           Saturday 12th April 2008

continuing..  first sitting of the day - absolute delight

• perfect harmony,
• body
• mind,
• living

stable awareness,

gentle equilibrium.

every aspect of

consciousness working

eternal, momentary peace:

‘the Truth will arise

naturally;'

still mind,

ordinary mind.

                         *

whew! last night, the dreaded temple nightmare shook me out of my skin:

‘I became aware of an unnatural and disturbing attachment to my body; I was shuffling along a dimly lit corridor in the company of a group of people whom I took to be my family.  although I did not feel on their wavelength at all - they were coarse, rough and garrulous, but I was in their midst.  I was constantly aware of human proximity that was causing me acute distress and anxiety, though I still could not grasp clearly what this was.

after what seemed like an eternity, we arrived in a spacious, dark, noisy and smelly Victorian-like drinking den.. at that moment I looked down and to my horror realised my predicament..

I was indeed part of a twin body; there was another head and neck attached to me, although I could not see it, I was joined below the neck to one body which I shared and was conscious of having one leg and arm that ‘I owned' and another leg and arm that belonged to ‘the other.'

I looked in shock and amazement to members of my imagined family, who in their misguided compassion had not informed me of my plight.  I then realised that I had been living all my life in this strange bodily form, but until this moment had been unconscious of the reality..'

I awoke in a deep sweat, and for the next hour or so, lay in a confused state of semi-awakening, unable to ascertain if the left side of my body was functioning.  I kept touching my left side to reassure myself it was there.. blessed dawn came and mercifully the apparitions subsided..

                       ~*~

pm

not much to say today - am enjoying seeing new retreatants absorbing the culture they find here - reminds me of how much I take for granted of the order's routines..  for some unfathomable reason (though in retrospect probably a residue from the nightmare) I feel quite ‘out-of-sorts' this afternoon.. a feeling of non-connectedness, not quite here in the spirit of things - guess it'll just pass, like all dark moods - not pleasant, not pleasant at all..

day six                                                                              Sunday 13th April 2008

so.. final day of this year's retreat - a thirty year journey - going on, always going on..

thankfully, yesterday's inclement weather (and mood) seem to have lifted and a feeling of calm peacefulness prevails..

           ~*~

this has been, as ever, a wonderfully restorative and refreshing week away from the exigencies of ‘normal daily life' - I have benefited enormously from re-acquainting myself with the fundamentals of monastic Buddhist life and hope to carry them through back to the usual hustle and bustle.  I miss my wife and child madly and look forward to holding them in my arms..

          ~*~

most importantly of all - I wish to keep my true connection with the fundamental perspective of sitting still and touching the Eternal, which is truly the ‘raison-d'etre' of this whole enterprise..

          ~*~

I bow down in deep gratitude for the immeasurable gift of my humanity and the boundless merit of being able to reflect with endless serenity on the infinite depth of the eternal moment..

@l -  15/04/08

*

*~*

words

words words!!

*

empathy

belongs only

to

the one

 who receives..

*

what is clear to one

may

lost be to another..

*

what is hurtful to one

is

relished by t'other..

*

dare we publish afar?

*

do we right to fear

approbation of one and

disavowal of another?

*

let us,

notwithstanding,

only

sing praises

for a diversity

in

opinion,

*

the

depth and breath

of human experience

that can

extract such

multifarious fact, reason

and intimation

from

one and the same..

*

words words

words

indeed!!

*

courage

mes braves..

courage!

*~*

*

                                                                                    *

                                                                                 *~~*

                                                                we make the judgement:

                                                             meanwhile the earth spins, 

                                                                    the mind moves,

the mud slides..

*~~*

*

*
~*~

~~*~~

there are many

kinds

of

‘eternity..'

*

[‘time':

a

fickle muse..]

*

 grey days,

 testing

 patience, fortitude..

*

a chance to reflect

on

impassive emptiness..

*

sunshine,

gold glory,

bright breezes..

*

enhance

the joy and senses;

hours rush gaily past..

*

grief, anger, fear,

bring us

to

a standstill..

*

fearing

only

the stickiness

of the gruesome moment

that moves

not..

*

but,

release

time's grip

upon your soul!

*

step into

the eternal,

fear not!

let go!

*

allow

all circumstance

to penetrate

with the wisdom

of

water

flowing in and out

through and beyond..

*

give up all

hope

of redemption

and

the truth

of ‘time' is yours for

ever!

*

 chance it

will

release you

from all

manner of speculation

and

manifest

as

simple delight and

surrender

to

just this

as It

is..

*

open,

despite

all judgement

and

appearance..

~~*~~

~*~

*

*

watching

folk

working

to

make things easier

for those

who

know no better..

*

admiration grows

for those

who act

selflessly.

*

quietly

‘getting on with it;'

the wonderful quality

of

sacrifice

awesome to behold..

*

a gentle earnest quality

bestrides

their countenance..

*

seeking proximity,

I wish for the qualities

of mercy, compassion and

unclouded goodness

to rub off

on me..

*

I learn humanity

and awake with these gentle souls

who

unassumingly

 walk the planet..

*

no agenda,

spreading fulfilment as naturally

as the act of breathing,

*

god bless

these ingenuous

earthly deities;

full merit to their

appearance

 for our

universal

 benefit!

*

*

sew tired

knitted brow!

thoughts diffused;

petrified,

literally..

*

sunken,  clodden

imprints of the day's activity,

barely recognised..

*

ideas waft to the surface

to a

still small voice

echoing

across

tundra that becomes my mind

*

a desolate barren

wilderness

of frozen moments..
*

nether mind!
*

fuelled by indignation

and puzzlement..

*

half-formed realisations

are left to fester,

to rot in the

pigment of

practical amnesia..

*

aggh..

nothing that

a coupla

lifetimes

sleep

won't cure!!

*

*

ineffable war

spinning against the withering verges

of

conditioned consciousness

*

for so long have I fought

pitched battle

with greed and desires;

thus having learned to offer all up:

all dreams, fantasies

recognised now for what they are..

*

greed!

shamelessly playing into it's hand:

"just once more,

only.."

and so on..

*

Mara, sly ol' usurer,

stands alert..

wary to

 his desperate

chicanery

alas!

solves no man's

restitution..

*

let the old buzzard do his worst..

allow him centre stage;

folly feast upon grand folly

say I!

*

squeezing the truth

out of sweated palms

drifting along the rocky path to dissolution..

*

all manner of schemes and plots

doth the wicked one

eke out of one's sanity

and

awe-ful striving..

*

at last

does a solution present itself..

to halt proceedings is to cease fire!

acknowledge

the

immanence of this incongruous devilry!

*

only let things come to pass,

being gentle, ever so gentle.

*

conscience

prevailing and all manner

of goodness will manifest,

contrary to all received wisdom..

*

let him be

and let him be,

ever aware of the looming shadow cast across

your path..

*

all will pass,

you will prevail, believe

be blessed,

believe.

*

*

~*~

within

 a hard world,

I struggle

in maintaining

equilibrium,

equanimity..

*

and yet seeing

true

plight

in others,

so much more burden and affliction

weighing down

upon them..

*

compassion grows

daily,

knows no bounds..

*

 weeping silent tears

for all of our struggles

 here

to maintain this awkward

journey

with courage

fortitude,

and blessed humour..

~*~

*