as I was waiting for my train home this evening, on a dusty, windswept cold, uninviting and crowded, central urban station, I closed my eyes and inadvertently began an inventory of my life...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

eyes tightly shut, my mind ran through, scanning my body - aches, pains, stresses, fears of terminal conditions coursed through my mind...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

the old body, marvellous loyal friend for over half a century - for many years abused and treated carelessly yet fundamentally staying close by my side, healthy and robust - healing gently through myriad accidents, misfortunes, growing pains, decaying pains...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

and then to employment situation - many years of dedicated struggle, fearsome managers, brilliant breakthroughs, tragic events, hopes and fears realised and transcended, each day faced with fortitude, trepidation, often excitement, often dread - still there, still working and steaming, still trying to get it right, still hopeful, still laughing, still copped by many petty frustrations and set backs...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

moreover loved ones, family, friends - many years of equilibrium and static repetition on the one hand, many new additions and delights, discoveries, desperation, detachment, dislocation, growth and realisations of love and attachment on the other...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

pain, discomfort, and worry -  sitting side by side with gratitude, acceptance, joyfulness and peace....

• ahh, that is, how it is...

At once the required transport pulls up and I enter - a moment's thought, a moments reflection...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

I open my eyes, I open my mind and clamber on, ready to face the next moment of unmet, unburdened and unfolding everyday matters...

• ahh, that is, how it is...

a face, inches away, deadpan, disinterested, quietly ruminating on their ‘just a moment'...

• ahh, that is, just how it is...

*

~*~

as a living

breathing

vibrantly

conscious

being

it

hurts me so..

*

in my heart

a wretched sadness reigns..

*

unanswered questions

scream their daily message into

the very fabric

of my being

*

why oh why

does this giant on earth

feel so

threatened,

so insecure

as to disallow

these glorious people

the inalienable right

to live their own lives?

*

and at their spiritual head..

*

His Holiness...

*

a true, real

living example

of

righteousness,

integrity,

infinite patience

and good will

personified...

*

I too have a dream...

one day

freedom and joy will be the birthright

of

all

beings

*

no fear, no insecurity,

just acceptance

of difference

and celebration

of

variety..

*

until then,

in my heart

a wretched sadness

reigns...

~*~

*

* a moment in time. * a miniscule pill, cobalt blue on palm of hand. * lysergic acid swallowed, the journey begins.. * but this time there is no return. * thoroughly ill-prepared, indian sandals t-shirt jeans. * a gram or two of mighty lebanese.. * a walk across the lakes. northern england - mountains, streams, high passes, rocks, wilderness. * alone, but oh so not alone in  nature. * city boy, alone, tripped out in  the unspoiled natural wilderness of a  national park. * awakening, sudden, explosive tremendous.. * sudden realisation.. this is IT! * so, copious tears of unbridled love and positive fear, positive fear streamed down cheeks as distant shimmering waterfall in yonder vale. * ohmygod ohmygoodgod... glory be. *  the  very first time in ages [ever?] this being awoke to a pristine, ageless, beatific, eternal, real world of shimmering light, harmony, abundant colour, smells, space, infinite spaciousness and companionship from every blade of grass, from every speck of dust.. * crying, shaking, ecstatic with joy and fusion with all.. * the next hours passed, burnt forever into eternal memory bank.. thirty-five years since, [in Dogen's ‘12 hour time'], but fused into this moment, that moment, the forever moment of being time.. * crouching down sandals now melted, squelching, soaked through from tracking through fields of soaking moss and heather.. * a stream, a trickle of water dripping down from one level of rock to another.. * music of the spheres!! * melody! harmony!! the sounds, visceral, arraigning my senses like nothing on earth.. ludwig's pastorale wooden in comparison! so.. * thus, resplendent in this earthly paradise, the young man sits down like a monarch, surveying his kingdom.. * a fly, gorgeous, shiny and black as hell, nestles on the tip of my ear.. sighing, "I love you I love you" in my language.. in our language.  to me, with me, equal to me, on my level, on our level, aspects of the same creation, differentiation dissolved.. * oh and goats and sheep, the pedestrians of the wild "hello dude, that's close enough.." eyes casually caressing me, chewing the cud with rolling jaws totally unfazed yet connecting connected.. * now, ascending figuratively and metaphorically, into the realm of sky and space.. * monumental realisations bombard my vision and awareness with increasing intensity, awe and wonder spill from my limbs and opened mind like nectar and ambrosia from the very gates of celestial heaven.. * mother nature is in me, is of me, is me!! * alas! playing ‘god' he sits tremulously on the steep scree side of a sheer cliff face.. * sitting... * then the unexpected yet inevitable moment occurs.. * mind leaves body.. in a flash, my consciousness is eighty feet in the air, hovering... encircling the sitting remains, seen below me from a distant height.. * the merest silken thread connects me to my earthly frame eighty feet beneath; excitement fused with terror.. * my gaze alters seeing the sweep of the round earth the temptation is to fly fly away into the bliss that awaits.. * only a frozen moment of indecision and realisation of the consequences of this action springs me back into corporeal frame.. * immediately regret is tinged with relief.. * "what if/what if?" * knowing the choice to be wise - my time is not yet.. * the next period is suffused with biblical images as  previous history is played out on that lonely rock... * wise, now, to  the game, disgorging hallucinations at will, mountains can be erected, monuments to my all pervasive strength and ego.. * ascending toward the peak of lingmell crag, I turn a corner, a stony path ascends up up up into the clouds, * a long line of people appear, everyone  I have ever known passes by, as a parade, living and dead, from myriad prior incarnations, they are all there, * walking, silently acknowledgement is there, but no eye lifts my way * the knowing is there but my invisibility is complete... * the limitless cohort disappears slowly around  a narrow ledge, achingly I tear myself away and gaze fearfully at the living, cloud-covered peak that is my destiny.. * now approaching what must be the zenith.. the path narrows, to either side - emptiness.. * sheep, looking in amazement.. "what is he doing now?  is he out of his mind?" they transfer their terror into sound and leap out of my way... * now, the Powers, angry, real mad at my effrontery, decide to teach me a lesson.. I will never forget.. * the heavens opened.. a storm of magnificent and terrible proportion arose.. * alone on a mountain top, barefoot, [sandals having long ago given up the ghost], shredded t-shirt... icy rain begins to fall, huge slabs of grey rock like crazy paving are covered in running water, I slip and slid, out of control..   a cairn of rocks appears out of the mist.. the summit of lingmell crag.. * at this very moment, a fork of lightening flashes in front of my very eyes and is swallowed up by the cairn.. * I smell the crackle and hiss and see smoke curling up above the charred stones.. then a crack of thunder maybe twenty metres or so above me erupts.. splits my terrorised consciousness into a trillion sharpened shards  of annihilation.. *  never before, or since have I known such fear and fright.. * yet I came back... * scrambling ‘cross near vertical scree I hurled myself down that mountainside like a being possessed.. * shortly, thankfully I found myself back in verdant gentle valleys.. * far above, the storm argued, ranted and raved, I cast an occasional glance, fearfully upward and remembered with trepidation that moment of crass confrontation and absurd battle with the mountain gods.. * much much later curled up in post-trip normality, a darkened evening spent under the covers of a warm bed in a hostel for family walkers, * I trembled as I heard the distant thunder rumbling ominously up on that place where so long ago, or so it seemed, I had dared confront the deities with foolhardy youthful bravado.. * I survived.. * and held from then on inordinate respect and belief in the beauty and strength of natural forces with which I am, incredibly, eternally entwined..   ~*~   *

*

~*~

is there such a

vast

disparity

betwixt

wishes and truths?

*

it may be that

truths appear

through

the

channels

of universal

Self

*

it may be that wishes

are the seedlings

of a

journey into wisdom,

ne'ertheless

 lesser entities

for their

attachment

to individual

karma..

*

perchance truth

manifests

because

of

blameless

aspiration,

indeed

the wish

for fulfilment

for all beings..

*

wishes may

be the birth child

of naivety,

none the less

blameless

for all

of that..

*

truth

is unwavering

yet

only

manifest

in stillness

and in faith

*

wishes come and go according

to

our changing

form and needs..

*

truth does

not

arrive

nor does it

depart,

it simply

is..

*

let us therefore

guide

our wishes

to one purpose only..

*

to live in truth

to live as one;

a

universal

wish of all

beings

to

forgive,

forget transgressions

and face the
enduring and

untiring truths

of partnership and

love..

~*~

*