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for Alexis...

Posted on Sep 1st, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
 

 

Blessed

am I

with

wondrous child:

the Gods upon my fate

have smiled

 

awaiting

in the wings

some purpose

as yet undefined...

shallow movements

belie

subtle depths

 

so

full of thought as she is,

has my best interests

 at heart,

 

oft while I

gaze anxiously

her way,

a

 vague, undefined angst

flirts

across my brow...

 

I wonder what life has

for her; as history

unfolds:

Dear Lord be kind!

 

I adore from both near

 and from afar

both caring and

cared for...

 

for our love is pure

unsullied and joyful;

it

 matters not the huge divide,

our paths forever

coincide.

 

 

 

 

 
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On 'opening'...

Posted on Sep 9th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
[This proves to be a difficult topic upon which to comment, for some intensely personal reasons.]

A simple word: opening; yet reflecting upon its meaning, use and relevance in and to our lives brings out such a wide variety of feelings and revelations...

We are, culturally, continually from a very young age told to 'be open', both in terms of our relations with our fellow humans and also in our personal reflections on our conduct.  Now, as this stands, I consider this to be a healthy approach and perspective...

And yet, as I am,  in the autumn of my current existence on this planet, I find myself overwhelmed by the reality of this ongoing struggle to remain OPEN to all and everything so presenting...

I feel at a crossroads; the life I have lived, has been full :- triumphs and disasters, and every possible shade between these two extremes...

We are led to believe that we have a subconscious memory in which every moment of every day we have faced since birth is faithfully recorded and cast in indissoluble moment...

Of course, anyone can see, with some reflection, that on a  conscious level in  which we attempt to recreate these 'long-term' memories, that what arises is most likely anything but the reality of what actually occured..we have too much emotional investment in the protection of our fragile self to admit to any deviation from our cherished memories...

I guess what I am trying to get to is...............the true dysfunction of our, or should I say, my attempts to rationalise my current unfolding actions, especially when, in untutored moments, the true extent of my behaviour manifests in ways that can surprise and indeed horrify me...

Those who have read me for some time will know my ways.  I 'give' myself daily to this process of 'opening my heart'.  I have developed a deep faith and trust, over the last thirty or so years in the nourishment that opening to the Eternal moment brings to my unfolding destiny...

And yet perhaps in many ways I have been deceiving myself within that process;  I guess I am talking now from the perspective of my 'little' self, that holds fast to the illusion of continuity, development  and '''rationality'''....

To bring all these strands together:

Gentle Reader, this is what I have to say:

Maxim: 

I accept my limitations as a fallible human being, not always given to skillful ways and means.

I accept, that in the past I have made critical errors and behaved ways incommensurate with a blemish free conscience;   I need to remain open to everything, at all times...

I am able to live with myself, live with my past and accept that all I have been, done and experienced is what it was, is and will be...

I will continue to remain open to my fears, conscience and fallibilities..  I vow to face it all honestly and creatively and will do everything in my power to mend the hurts, build the bridges and forgive myself and all sentient beings their moments of weakness, transgression and mistakes...

with bows

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Behold..............

Posted on Sep 12th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
Behold!  A new day......................a new life.

Let us lay down our worries, our fears and our insecurities.

Let us give Thanks for this precious gift of light, energy and sensibility.

Let us allow all that is true, real and worthwhile penetrate unto the core of our experience.

Let us cast away doubt, disbelief and cynicism...

turn anger into forgiveness...

judgmentalism into compassion...

fear towards understanding,

and, above all

let us love and cherish one another

and all living things...

we all share a common heritage

a common soil.

let us never forget our humanity.

with bows,


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This eternal moment...

Posted on Sep 16th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
I was riding back home from the gym this morning, I happened to glance up at the sky................................

a beautiful autumnal morning, a sky mixed with bright sunshine, scudding clouds and that perennial shading that signifies the changing season...

and then, quite simply, I 'got it'...

an overriding realisation...THIS IS IT...

this is how it is, was and will be.

In truth, this is all there is; an ordinary reflection, but in reality an extraordinary feeling of well being, belonging and...............just/so/ness...

Difficult to relate and describe the joy that encompassed me.  It was as if I flew instantaneously across the entire sweep of existence, from the beginning (beginningless), through myriad lifetimes, eons, until the very end (endlessness)...

I saw, felt and understood everything in that moment.  nothing to worry about, nothing to do, just to be...

Overriding gratitude, oceans of thanksgiving and blessings showered my path like wild, scarlet  rhodedendron....

I crossed over the road, entered my home for breakfast...

with bows,
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Glorious opposites...

Posted on Sep 21st, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu

I know I know, Great Master Dogen tells us, with immense foresight and wisdom that:

'When the opposites arise the Buddha Mind is almost lost....'

and on a transcendental level I concur wholeheartedly;

however, I gain immense solace from my current state of 'post-inspection' glow...

That is to say, I have had my nose to the grindstone for the last three weeks, working flat out, 15 hours a day to ensure that the department I run at school (an Autistic Resource base)  is in excellent shape and able to pass muster from the most stringent central government inspection...

Happily able to report all is most well and the effort was most productively 'worth it'..

I guess what I want to report is how wonderful it is to head up a team of decent-minded, hardworking and committed people, without whom I would not have been able to create a place of excellence...

It is a privilege to work with people who put their own agendas on hold for the majority of the week and live for the benefit of others...

It really works!!

Imagine, a building full of young people on the Autistic Spectrum, unable to make sense of a kaleidoscopic world that whirrs, buzzes and revolves at an inordinate speed that, for them, belies understanding...

Throw in a decent sprinkling of attention deficit and hyperactivity, multiply by ten and then mix it all up with a 'national curriculum' designed for alpha 1 students.....

Behold, this volatile mix, sensitively handled and approached with love, care,  humour and intelligent teaching, unlocks oceans of talent, surprises, excellent work and fun, fun fun.

Altho' I spend a good deal of time in complete frustration and organisational mayhem, I love every minute of every day, for I have the privilege of guiding and sharing my daily life with beautifully open and honest human beings who have not one ounce of guile or dishonesty amongst them.  They show love and gratitude to be shown  respect and cherished as fully integrated human souls.  Despite their difficulties in communication they are bright, intelligent and extremely astute in recognising patronising attitudes....[which are totally banned in my department]

ahhh and now and now I have two glorious days of rest, contemplation and peace ahead to reflect on my lot and prepare to dive headlong into Monday with arms open, ready to embrace the madness and hopefully not mess up too often by lunchtime....


ooooh the glorious opposites (sorry, Dogen)

with bows,
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On our anniversary...

Posted on Sep 22nd, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
 

Terri

you have

stuck by

me through

thick and thin...

 

your beauty and

your wisdom

keep the flame

burning.

 

with you I was

granted

another chance

to share

the roller coaster

of commitment.

 

Finding you has

proved to me

there is indeed

a Benevolent

Presence

 

wishing you

wishing me

many more years

of transcendent

contentment.

 
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On allowing another to find their way..

Posted on Sep 25th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
This is  a tough one - a very hard entry to write...

What can be more challenging than watching helplessly as a loved one (in this case one very close to my heart) struggles with their life?

We can only do 'so much' to help another.  We cannot live another's life.  Whereas I would willingly sacrifice my life for my loved ones, unhesitatingly and whole heartedly if the need arose, there are certain contexts in which we have to let go and hope (and find the faith to believe it is possible) that the person is able to find a way through their difficulties...

Our children are so very much part of us.  They are our manifestation in the flesh, they are our future.  We do all we can to ensure their passage is smooth and filled with good advice, love and care.  Sometimes this is not enough.

We are not masters of our family destiny; it is sometimes the case that we have to stand back and watch as the tides of fate, karma, destiny - call it what you will - unravel and carry a person through the necessary  'outrageous swings of fortune and terror'  that accompany us humans in our passage through this life...

It is with great sadness that I watch this person struggle with their personal demons.  A part of me cries out in anguish but I cannot let that appear, for it would serve no purpose...

I can only sit back, watch and wait like any caring parent, to pick up the pieces.  But even so, this is not enough, yet all that is possible under the circumstances.

It is damnable, hateful and depressing...

Yet it is what I am faced with.  I can only bow deeply, ask the benevolence of enlightened beings to watch over my loved one, guide them through their hours of darkness and pray fervently for them to mend the error of their ways and see a brighter, more enlightened path ahead.  I believe it is possible, despite the past and doubtful prognoses...

This is a lesson , a hard lesson for me to learn at this stage.  I can only accept what may unfold and be there as an example of patience, understanding and fortitude.

God guide my child through this darkness, into the Light of understanding and a new dawn for their journey...

with bows
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The humble mat

Posted on Sep 27th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
 

Lo! nothing seems

to matter much

‘cept  the ‘here & now'

tis all the merest

fleeting glimpse -

that's all the gods allow

 

alas!  it all becomes

too much

for fevered mind to grasp

I'll wager all

my garnered sense -

these feelings,

they will pass

 

awakening achieved

on humble mat,

my heart doth open wide;

my thanks to You

for showing me:

impeccable

earthly guide...

 

in sitting still

on humble mat

doth appease my febrile brow

why! bless you Lord

for showing me

the Way,

the Truth -

the Present:

here & now

 
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Without redemption

Posted on Sep 28th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
 

 

with fractured smile

and numbed thought

a vast array of

images scud across my brow

in celluloid procession..

 

a breeze blows

steadily through

dappled green poplars

which line the empty avenues

 

distant church bells

toll mournfully

across a windswept plain..

 

a lone figure

black in relief and

clutching a sodden scarlet cloth

creeps silently across

fields of heather

 

awestruck, crying copious

tears of gratitude,

unaware of silent eyes watching,

takes a swift

turn into cobbled

streets, glistening with

early morning rain

 

a distant scream

shuffling feet

the drag of legs across

a gritted pavement

 

 

behind the blackened door

she

has breathed her last

 

with crazy grin

our lonely figure

disappears in an instant, clutching a

lifetime of bitter memories,

brittle bones

in a gnarled

ugly fist

 

goodnight my love

farewell

for the flight from

this temporal dream

finally begins..

 

for you no shaft of

redeeming light,

no empty corridor

to blessed release

but an eternal reaching out

for light, warmth

that never

materializes

and remains forever

beyond your grasp..

 
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On the Inside...

Posted on Sep 29th, 2007 by siafu : si@fu siafu
How glorious it is to sit still...

This is truly the most wonderful skill I have learned in my life.

Time and time again, life's circumstances leave me feeling lost, uptight, in a corner.

Time and time again I bow, sit on my zafu (meditation cushion), offer up all my anxieties, worries, fears, screw-ups....I sit patiently whilst my mind whirls fruitlessly this way and that, looking for an explanation, looking for a 'way out'...

I find myself, like the bobsleigh rider, hanging on desperately as the train of my thoughts speeds through the labyrinths of my little consciousness and dark memories..

Undeterred, I sit with all the pain, all the frustration, all the deja-vus.  I sit with faith and knowledge that these 'little self' meanderings' will eventually dissipate (I have been here endlessly before - it is just the way things work)...

Little self is getting impatient "come on, so many things to do; get on with it - haven't got all day etc etc..."

Still I sit still, holding on whilst the merry-go-round that is my mind continues to throw distraction my way; I resist  the circular pull of repetition, revision and indulgence.

I have faith - I know what needs doing.

Do not push anything away, just face things that arise, full on...

Do not grab hold of those seductive images and ride with them, just watch them as they pass through, like the metro that rushes through the tunnel - it is not going your way...

Lo and behold, THAT moment arrives...

BECOMING SUDDENLY AWAKE.

It is never the same.  It is never different.  It is timeless...

Often I will feel tears of joy and gratitude flood out of my eyes as the mystery and beauty of the moment manifests Itself..

I become aware of the coalescence of all things, the glorious light and depth of the early morning sunrise, the gentle chattering and murmur of the garden wildlife, the peacefulness of the tick/tock of the wall clock, the just-so-ness of my heartbeat, the just-as-it-is-ness of the rise and fall of my chest to the rhythms of my breathing...

I bow in the knowledge that I have learned another lesson today, now, forever.

Let go of and forget your body and mind.

Throw your life into the abode of awakening

Living by being moved and led by the awakening of this faith in the Truth of the moment.

This is all there is, endlessly I repeat my findings

with love and gratitude,

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