Tomorrow morning, very early, I leave home for the temple. I will be spending a week reaffirming my commitment to following the Buddhist Way.  I will be attending Jukai (the taking of the Precepts.........lay ordination). I first attended Jukai in September 1978, when I joined the bloodline of the Soto Zen community............. I reaffirmed my commitment again in April 2003. This will be my third attendance at the Jukai ceremony and I am thoroughly looking forward to it. I hope to experience a joyous confirmation of Benifience and Togetherness, which is something that follows me daily in tandem with my ordinary life. I wish you all who take the trouble to read my musings a wonderful Easter and I will be back in a week or so................... with bows...........

Sat 7th April Arrive at the temple [Throssel Hole Buddhist Abbey in Northumberland] - settle in... Sun 8th April Hard going! usual physical pain, sitting - seems much harder arising after each meditation period than ever before - severe pain in ankles etc... A glimmer.....need to stick with it; don't push anything away.  Having said that, slept through the majority of last meditation period! evening: had a sudden desire to quit - felt disillusioned with the general hustle and bustle and in my mind decided to leave in the morning..sat through Reverend Master (RM) Daishin's reading of the Kyojukaimon in a bit of a strop! Nevertheless, enjoyed and gave fullattention to 'Sange'  - which was cleansing and sharp. After vespers, I had a word with Rev. Leandra (guestmaster) and relayed to her my intention to quit the sesshin - just felt in need of rest and felt the Jukai week extremely demanding etc..and too much for me at present.  She showed concern and understanding, asked me to 'sleep on it' and make a decision in the morning... Mon 9th April Having 'slept on it', I have resolved to see the week through; having made the commitment, I feel honour bound to stick to it, despite my reservations. I really came awake during the morning meditation and feel I am beginning to get centred, grounded and focussed. I relayed my decision to carry on to the monks and they urged me to 'look after myself' and rest as much as I wanted to - this was gratefully received. consequently, I excused myself from the morning working meditation period and am enjoying this time to rest and contemplate... pm:   most excellent Dharma talk by RM Daishin - talked about the operation of Sange and how important and valuable it is to accept our anger, greed and delusion and see beyond to what out True Nature is. Follwed by a most beneficial and peaceful zazen (sitting meditation); beginning to get a really good feel for this retreat.  So glad I decided to stay... Ahh dear!! Rev. Alexander's Dharma talk was brilliant - an old man with a terminal illness - but such humility, humour and indeed wisdom and insight - I love him! Was server at mealtimes today - made a bit of a pig's ear of it at medicine meal, but okay at breakfast and lunch - mistakes taken with a pinch of humour! The sesshin is really progressing - an okay bunch of people and a few laughs in amongst the 'serious' issues... Tues 10th April Tired - but I feel a spring in my step and my mischievious humour returning!  Somehow difficult to describe..feel a qualitative difference in perception - a lightness, a freshness and a brightness - I glide effortlessly between activities and am able to be fully present at every moment of every activity. A somewhat grey day ensued - a day devoted to the Sange ceremony and therefore focussing on the 'to-be-ordained' trainees - an enigmatic Dharma talk by RM Daishin this morning - many people feel the need to try and interpret his talk from an intellectual/rational perspective - this will not work - you have to suspend intellectual judgement and listen with the heart for the Truth to penetrate. A restful afternoon spent sleeping and reading... Wed 11th April Last night's Sange ceremony was awesome - these guys sure know how to put on a show! - as good as anything on  Broadway! More to the point, the Sange ceremony allows you to truly reflect on your confession and contrition and has the wondrous power to completely cleanse you of all previous karma - <<Namu Shakyamuni Buddha>> This morning, first meditation was truly inspiring - complete calm, peace, joy and a condition of Awakening! This spot is truly blessed - bang in the middle of the North Pennine Way and totally natural and quiet.  This is truly my home from home and will always be so... wonderful wonderful day - what more can I say?  Sitting was hard - afternoon seemed painful and fruitless...beautiful spring evening, quiet, majestic, PEACEFUL, glorious as only the deep countryside can be - evening zazen was an absolute delight - did not want it to end, EVER!!  Felt truly awake, alive and blissful - thank you Life for granting me these moments of wonder.   The key is: open your heart fully - just be totally open to what is presented - do not judge, discriminate, grasp or reject any nuance, just be open open open and lo and behold  IT speaks.. Thur 12th April Woke up in the middle of the night sweating and scared - had escaped from a seriously frightening dream---of 'hell' - indeed I was in hell in this dream and unimaginable terrors, apparitions and atrocities were happening or being performed - it was so real as to be monumentally awesome - On awaking in the depths of darkness I found myself calling upon RM Jiyu for comfort and refuge - I also began to chant Namu Shakyamuni Buddha and holding my hands in mudra.  This was immediately beneficial and I soon felt calm and safe and the darkness no longer held any fear whatsoever for me. I have always fallen prey to extreme fear at night in the temple.  i believe it is through intensive sitting over a sustained period of time (7-8 hours per day): we open ourselves up to all manner of Beings - we become vulnerable in our openness and must attract the hungry ghosts et al... Faith protects us, though, if we are truly committed - nothing can harm us... Today appeared in beautious bountiful spring-like paradise.  Sun cascading over the purple and green hills and valleys, smell of heather and country perfumes wafting in the breeze - incessant chattering of birds and other country animals murmuring satisfaction in the spring light... Not a lot to say about today really...business as usual, moments od inspiration/insight, plenty of sitting, moments of reflection and deja vu - one must learn to give up expectations: things are never the same twice; keep reminding myself to be OPEN - simple, really... Fri 13th April Final full day of retreat - tonight's ceremony is Recognition.  Buddha recognises Buddha!  The question is: how awake are we?  Hopefully this week has reinforced an established pattern of action - provided a Stillness and a recognition of the transitory nature of our lives - most importantly though it has reaffirmed my commitment to live my life in Truth: I have thankfully at my disposal a Golden method of maintaining the best possible attitude and engaging in a process towards this goal: Zazen; Serene Reflection Meditation.  For this I am eternally grateful... Homage to the Buddha Homage to the Dharma Homage to the Sangha with bows, @nt - 13/04/07 postscript: at last!! just sitting on a quiet and peaceful spring afternoon - no big deal, just sitting; no other agenda whatsoever.....

Balmy spring saturday afternoon....................accompany Alexis to the local playground .............

she meets a friend Ballu...........entreaties for money to buy ice cream..............

me, Dad, sitting reading Shobogenzo, such sweet transmission...............huge sycamore swaying gently in the breeze. enlightenment was,is and will always be parallel with the moment, there is nothing more than This..............

entreaties from the girls to go home to play with their toys...............sure, I'm easy, there is after all nothing else to do..................

with bows